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Post by supergub on Aug 23, 2009 0:58:13 GMT -4
There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. "Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?" "I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. "Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?" "I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. "Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?" "I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. "Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?" "I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day. The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery. He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door. "Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!" "I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." "Well, then can I become a monk?" "Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk." So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk. "Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk." So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery. "Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk. The head monk replied, "The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek." "Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise." Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end. Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt! Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk. "Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it." "Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada." The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all. Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start. Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand! Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS! He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk. "Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it." "Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia." The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all. Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start. Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself. Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question! "Do you want me to tell you what it was?" "I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." lol...It's a shaggy dog story(a joke that has a bunch of stuff that has very little to do with the punch line)
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raekuul
Full Member
GIANT DOUGHNUT! DON'T LET SERENA NEAR ME!
Posts: 206
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Post by raekuul on Aug 23, 2009 15:50:26 GMT -4
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy,if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three Fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right there with us.
I pulled out the wine and bread to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit". In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the barber shop.
"How about a date when you finish work?" he asked.
"I can't" she replied, "I am married."
"So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a sick girlfriend," said the man.
"Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one shaving you."
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Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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You Might Be A Jedi Redneck If...
1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 2. Your Jedi robe is camouflaged. 3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. 4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. 5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum Skeeters. 8. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so you didn't miss an interview with any of the Allisons. 10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 11. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 13. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. 14. You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. 15. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 16. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. 17. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. 18. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
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The answering machine at the Mental Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental hospital hotline......."If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number and mothers maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to YOU.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
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So Cinderella can't go to the ball because of her wicked sisters and she's sobbing. All of the sudden her fairy godmother appears and creates a huge dress and carriage for her. The godmother warns her that if she doesn't get home by midnight her, uh... Private Toys will turn into pumpkins.
So she goes to the ball and she pickes up this really hot guy and she dances with him for the whole night. Just as the clock strikes twelve she tells him she has to go. He says "Wait what's your name?" "Cinderella," she says, "What's yours?" "Peter Pumpkin eater" "Oh, then in that case I'll stay". _______________________________________________________________________
This guy breaks into a house.As he grabs the CD player he hears a strange voice behind him: "Jesus can see you." The burglar panics and looks around but he can't see anyone so he goes for the CD player again. After a while, he hears the same voice behind him.He looks around again and sees a parrot. "I was talking to you, my name is Moses." sais the parrot. "Moses? What kind of an idiot names his parrot Moses?" "The same kind of idiot who names the bulldog Jesus". _______________________________________________________________________
A GL newbie opens a thread and asks how to change a light bulb.
5 minutes later an experienced forum member posts detailed instructions. 5 other members post their similar experiences changing light bulbs. 7 report on other methods for changing light bulbs. 3 point out the typos and grammar mistakes in the light bulb posts. 8 members are upset about the grammar experts. 9 write that this is not the right place for discussing light bulbs and this discussion should be carried on in old.lite.bulb. 10 defend the thread, since we all use light bulbs and this thread therefore belongs in the Off Topic forum. 21 members debate which light bulb changing method is superior, where the best light bulbs can be purchased, which kind of light bulb is best and which brands are bad quality. 6 post URLs which show light bulbs. 5 say that the previous URLs are wrong and post the right addresses. 14 quote the complete posts and write ?Me too.? under them. 7 announce that they will leave the forum because they can?t stand these constant light bulb discussions. 1 member suggests starting a light bulb forum. 2 say that OT has already been set up for that topic. 4 suggest that the posters read the light bulb FAQ. 5 members point out old threads that have already handled this topic. 6 members debate the constitutionality of changing light bulbs in a democracy or a republic 2 members post that it is illegal to change light bulbs. 8 members reply that this is an international forum, and is only illegal in certain countries.
Answer: It takes 128 GL members to change one light bulb. _______________________________________________________________________ FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. You should not confuse your career with your life. 5. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 6. Never lick a steak knife. 7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 8. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 13. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. And no ... you don't have to forward this to anyone in order for your life to take on new meaning... _______________________________________________________________________ The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back": ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut! _______________________________________________________________________ One night, Barack Obama is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Obama asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," he asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Obama isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Barack asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play." _______________________________________________________________________ Four men go golfing one day, and as they are approaching the tee, one of them leaves to use the restroom. While he is away, the subject of conversation turns to their sons.
When asked was his son does for a living, the first man says, "My son is a successful Computer Systems Analyst. In fact, he's doing so well, that he just bought his lover a new car!"
The second man, not to be outdone, says, "Yes, well my son is a successful trial lawyer, and he just bought his lover a new boat!"
The third man looks smug as he says, "My son, he's a talented Neuro-surgeon, and he just bought his lover a new House!"
The other guys are suitably impressed, and finally, the fourth man comes back from the bathroom. Curious, the other guys ask him about his son.
"Oh," said the fourth man sadly, "My son is gay."
"We're sorry to hear that," said the others, sharing the man's disapproval.
"Yeah," said the fourth man. "I didn't know why he made that decision at first, but I just found out that his last three lovers gave him a new car, a new boat, and a new house!" _______________________________________________________________________ A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that shit." _______________________________________________________________________ A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here? "Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" _______________________________________________________________________ The phone rings early in the morning and she answers it. Her side of the conversation: "Hi, honey..... OK....that's great.....OK....see you tonight."
Her bed partner says, "Was that your husband?"
She: "Yes"
He: "What did he say?"
She: "He said the two of you are having a great time fishing" _______________________________________________________________________ A young priest, just out of the seminary, is sent to the mission fields in deepest, darkest Africa. Teaching a local chief the ways of God and the English, he strolls the jungle pointing out objects and saying their names.
"Rock," says the priest.
"Rrrock," says the chief.
"Tree," says the priest.
"Trrree," says the chief.
"Bush," says the priest.
"Buuush," says the chief.
Just then they realize the bush is shaking wildly, with strange moaning noises emanating from it. Moving closer, they are shocked to discover a native man and woman behind the bush having sex.
The priest, very embarrassed, turn bright red and stammers, "Uh, uh, Man, uh, riding bicycle."
The chief scowls, pulls out his blow gun, and shoots both the man and the woman dead!
The priest is aghast. "What in Heaven's name did you do that for?" he demanded.
The chief pounds his chest angrilly and says, "Man riding my bicycle!" _______________________________________________________________________ So you want a day off?
Let's take a look at what you are asking for!
* There are 365 days this year. * There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. * Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. * You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. * With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. * You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. * We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. * We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off! (Don't you wish your job was this generous?) _______________________________________________________________________ A guy walks by an asylum, and hears the inmates chanting: "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen." Curious, he puts his eye to the keyhole, and gets poked in the eye with a sharp stick. As he runs to a hospital, the chanting changes: "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen." _______________________________________________________________________ Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it for drunk driving, 4 times. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too! _______________________________________________________________________ Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love." _______________________________________________________________________ A Secret Service Agent is standing guard outside the White House when he is approached by a man with long, scraggly, unwashed hair, a faded T-shirt from the 1988 Olympics, jeans with baseball-sized holes in the knees, and a pair of boots coated in dirt a half an inch thick.
The man says, "Hey, I've come to talk to the President."
The agent manages to suppress a laugh and asks, "Sir, do you have an appointment?"
The man thinks for a second, then says, "Naw. I just wanna talk with the President for a while. So, are y'all gonna let me in or not?"
The agent shakes his head in disbelief. "Sir, I can't just let anyone in. It'd be dangerous."
"Aw, c'mon! I just wanna talk to President Clinton!"
"Uh, sir, he's not President anymore."
"What? Oh, okay."
The man shuffles off.
The next day, the agent is surprised to see the same man approaching again, Olympic shirt, holey jeans, dirty boots, and all.
"Hey there! Can I go in an' talk to the President!"
"Sir, weren't you here yesterday?"
"Yeah, and now I'm back. Can I talk to President Clinton now?"
"Sir, he's not President anymore!"
"Oh. Alright."
Again, the man shuffles away.
The next day...
"You again?"
"Yup. Any chance I could go in an' talk to President Clinton?"
"Sir, for the LAST time, HE'S NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!"
The man grins. "Oh, I know. I just like to hear someone else say it." _______________________________________________________________________ The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." _______________________________________________________________________ On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. 'Raven's very tasty,' thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor, 'There is nothing I like more'
Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor - Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth - 'Nevermore.'
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore - Only this and not much more.
'Oooo!' my pickled poet cried out, 'Pussycat, it's time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty' - then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor. _______________________________________________________________________ My apologies is this has been posted before:
An Italian, a Jew, and a gay guy were walking down the street, when a drunk driver barrelled over the curb onto the sidewalk, killing all 3 men instantly. When they get to the Gates of Heaven, they all plead at the same time with God to have a second chance at life.
To the Italian, God says, "You were previously a glutton. If I restore you to your life, you will not be allowed to eat pasta ever again. If you do, you will be brought right back here." The Italian said, "Agreed!" and POOF!!! - he was transported back to the very spot were he had previously died.
To the Jew, God says, "You were a greedy man. If I restore you to your life, you will no longer pursue anything materialistic. If you do, you will be brought right back here" The Jew said, "Agreed!" and POOF!!! - he was transported back to the very spot were he had previously died.
To the gay guy, God says, "You were a homosexual. If I restore you to your life, you will no longer think any homosexual thoughts. If you do, you will be brought right back here." The gay guy said, "Agreed!" and POOF!!! - he was transported back to the very spot were he had previously died.
The three men, glad to be alive again, began walking down the street to their original destination, when the smell of Italian food came wafting out of a little trattoria. The Italian says, "Man, I want that pasta sooo bad." The Jew and the gay guy warned him, but the Italian yelled, "I can't take it anymore" and ran toward the restaurant and - POOF!!!, he dissappeared.
The Jew and the gay guy could do nothing but continue on their walk. After a few minutes, the Jew spotted a quarter on the ground. "Look", he said, "A quarter! I should pick it up". "No", said the gay guy, "You saw what happened to the Italian". But it was too late! The Jew yelled "I can't take it anymore" and bent over to pick up the quarter and - POOF!!! the gay guy dissappeared. _______________________________________________________________________ The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea." _______________________________________________________________________ Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Da-dum-ching.
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Knock Knock... Who's there? Dishwasher. Dishwasher who? Dishwasher way I used to talk before I got my false teeth.
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How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin...
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Little Billy, he was bored. He drank H2SO4. But his dad was an MD Who gave him CaCO3. Now Billy's neutralised, it's true. He's also full of CO2.
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Why are mathematicians bad at remembering holidays? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.
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Everyone has a state of mind.... mine is Texas. _______________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed. _______________________________________________________________________ ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO - I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and taking it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT - Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. _______________________________________________________________________ John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. At the end of an assembly presentation, he asks the auditorium full of students if there are any questions. A boy raises his hand.
Ashcroft: "And what's your name?" Kid: "Billy." Ashcroft: "What's your question, Billy? Billy: "I've got three questions. Why are we mistreating Iraqi POWs? Why are we really at war with Iraq? And why haven't we caught Osama bin Laden yet?" Ashcroft: "Those are great questions, Billy, and I'll tell you..."
The bell rings, and the teachers apologize, rounding up the students and taking them outside for recess. They promise to bring the kids back and finish up the Q&A once recess is over.
As promised, everyone comes filing back in. Ashcroft asks for questions from the audience. A young girl raises her hand.
Ashcroft: "what's your name, little lady?" kid: "Susie." Ashcroft: "And what's your question, Susie?" Susie: "Actually, I have five questions. Why are we mistreating Iraqi POWs? Why are we really at war with Iraq? Why haven't we caught Osama bin Laden yet? Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? And where's Billy?" _______________________________________________________________________ Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.
Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in thewoods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he raninto a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking abeautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St.Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"
"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." _______________________________________________________________________ A lame one, but here goes:
Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger(sp?) have been recruited for a new action movie. The director is a bit eccentric, and has decided that the time had come for a film about the exciting, action-packed lives of... classical composers. He asks the three stars to choose their own roles.
Chuck thinks for a second, then says, "I think I'll take the role of Beethoven. Playing a deaf man will be a good chance to show my talent as a true actor."
Sylvester mulls his options, then says, "Mozart did a lot of stuff in a real short amount of time. I like that. Sign me up as him."
Arnold stands up straight, crosses his arms, puffs out his chest and says, "I'll be Bach." _______________________________________________________________________
A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.
Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.
Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.
After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.
The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say." _______________________________________________________________________ So there's a priest, a monk, and a rabbi walking down the street and they come across a bag containing a large amount of money. While pondering what to do with it all, the priest says, "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle we keep and whatever lands inside we give to God." The monk says, "nono, we draw a circle on the ground and throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle we give to God and whatever lands inside the circle we keep." The rabbi, taking into account both suggestions, says, "why dont we just throw the money up in the air and let God take what he wants...?" _______________________________________________________________________ Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. _______________________________________________________________________ Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." _______________________________________________________________________ From: General Manager To: Departmental Heads On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it. =========================================== From: Departmental Heads To: Deputy Departmental Heads By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years. =========================================== From: Deputy Departmental Heads To: Superintendent By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the phenomenal Halley's comet will appear in the canteen. In case of rain in the area outside the building, the General Manager will give another order, something which occurs only once every 76 years. =========================================== From: Superintendent To: Foreman On Friday at 5 p.m., the General Manager will appear in the canteen with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76 years. But if it rains, the General Manager will order the comet into the area outside the building. =========================================== From: Foreman To: Team Leader When it rains on Friday at 5 p.m., the phenomenal 76 year old Bill Halley, accompanied by his comets, will drive the General Manager through the area outside the building into the canteen.
_______________________________________________________________________
I doubt, therefore I might be. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). _______________________________________________________________________ A Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases Research Phrase Translation
It has long been known... I didn't look up the original reference.
A definite trend is evident... These data are practically meaningless.
Of great theoretical and practical importance... Interesting to me.
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study... The results of the others didn't make any sense.
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown.
These results will be shown in a subsequent report... I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.
The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones... He was my graduate assistant.
It is believed that... I think.
It is generally believed that... A couple of other people think so too.
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs... I don't understand it.
Correct within an order of magnitude... Wrong.
It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field... This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic.
Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable discussions... Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.
A careful analysis of obtainable data... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. _______________________________________________________________________ The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! _______________________________________________________________________ The Stork Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.
When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?"
Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."
Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?"
"I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.
Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning.
Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"
"Scaring the hell out of college students," Baby Stork giggled. _______________________________________________________________________ I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car something like every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
This means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off? I think not. _______________________________________________________________________ (This is the Zen variant of the story) There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"
"Bed... hard..." said the monk.
"I see," replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"
"Food... stinks..." said the monk.
"I see," replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"
"I... quit!" said the monk.
"Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain." _______________________________________________________________________ An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker were walking through the jungle one day when a tribe of cannibals crept up and captured them. When they got to the villiage, the chief told them, "Not only are we going to eat you, but we are going to use your skins to make canoes! But we will be kind: we will let you choose how you die." So the Englishman says that he'd like to shoot himself. He takes a pistol and cries out, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out. The Frenchman decides he'd like to be guillatined. They build him a guillatine and he cries out, "Vive la France!" and chops his head off. The New Yorker says he'd like to stab himself to death with a fork. He takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over and cries out, "There goes your God-damned canoe!" _______________________________________________________________________ A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." _______________________________________________________________________ A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." _______________________________________________________________________ An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache." _______________________________________________________________________ How many bats does it take to change a lightbulb?
9. 2 to change it, 7 to distribute blindfolds to the dazzled onlookers.
How many Traders does it take to sell a lightbulb?
Depends. If the civilization in question has bought lightbulbs from the Foundation before, only one, but if not, two: one to get captured due to a double breach of law, the other to make a case that, given that a large amount of imported light is probably produced by lightbulbs anyway, they shouldn't favor arc lamps for no reason. Incidentally, the lightbulb being used to make this point will not be in common use, due to prohibitive energy constraints.
How many parents of brats does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they have to do it over and over again.
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