Post by insider2000 on Jun 18, 2009 2:37:45 GMT -4
Movie #1
Bled
www.imdb.com/title/tt0997143/
Reviewers for this movie:
Insider2000
Nova
Erik
Victoria
Bled
www.imdb.com/title/tt0997143/
Reviewers for this movie:
Insider2000
Nova
Erik
Victoria
Insider2000 here! Today, we've been hired....DAH I MEAN....chosen to give movie reviews. Before you click that back button on your web explorer, please understand that we aren't just doing main stream movies, but we're picking out every piece of shitter we can find as well.
Before we begin, let me introduce my fellow reviewers for this movie. I will always be here to review, but my other three reviews will sometimes change. For today, we have...
Nova, the Succubus!
Hey. Despite hating majority of the things Insider does, I'm happy to review movies. Can't wait to tear this upcoming one apart.
Erik, grandson of the Grim Reaper and artist.
Don't confuse me with Eric of SMA, damnit!
And everyone's favorite: Victoria, the rose princess.
Insider, you promised me Oreos, damnit!
Before we begin, let me introduce my fellow reviewers for this movie. I will always be here to review, but my other three reviews will sometimes change. For today, we have...
Nova, the Succubus!
Hey. Despite hating majority of the things Insider does, I'm happy to review movies. Can't wait to tear this upcoming one apart.
Erik, grandson of the Grim Reaper and artist.
Don't confuse me with Eric of SMA, damnit!
And everyone's favorite: Victoria, the rose princess.
Insider, you promised me Oreos, damnit!
On to the review! Our movie of choice today is a movie called Bled. It is a horror movie.....if you want to call it that....which deals with vampires, drugs, and sexual desire.
If you didn't guess yet, I picked this movie out. I, again, apologize to my fellow reviewers for that.
Our story stars four struggling artists. You know, the common theme of "We're starving artists who can't make it, and we're trying to find our muse." You know, the typical crew. We have Sai, our leading female artist who is 'brilliantly artistic'. Then Royce, the 'will he, won't he' possible boyfriend of Sai. He's also a photographer.... Yeah....
Boy needs to wear a shirt more often. I thought he was going to stab me in the eye through the TV set with his nipple! Ugh!
A male artist who is a druggy and a whore...named....wait for it.... ERIC! Damnit! It's bad enough that Roll002 has the same name as me, and is also an artist.. But now this! I can proudly say, I'm neither a druggy or a whore.
And finally, Kerra...the blonde chick. Need we say more? At least she was SOMEWHAT smart.
Well, Sai is in search of a new muse to make her art GODLY! And when a German comes to her and offers a drug to help her find her muse, she accepts.
She takes the drug, and she ends up with a 'Hell' like world filled with dead trees....and VAMPIRES!
But really, the vampire looks like crap...until he shape shifts. The vampire turns into Sai's greatest desire....which is of course, Royce. As the two enjoy intense vampire sex!
Chaos ensues as Sai shares the drugs with her fellow artists.
That's basically the synopsis of the movie. Now, we'll each give our personal review on certain subjects. Let's start off with Nova.
If you didn't guess yet, I picked this movie out. I, again, apologize to my fellow reviewers for that.
Our story stars four struggling artists. You know, the common theme of "We're starving artists who can't make it, and we're trying to find our muse." You know, the typical crew. We have Sai, our leading female artist who is 'brilliantly artistic'. Then Royce, the 'will he, won't he' possible boyfriend of Sai. He's also a photographer.... Yeah....
Boy needs to wear a shirt more often. I thought he was going to stab me in the eye through the TV set with his nipple! Ugh!
A male artist who is a druggy and a whore...named....wait for it.... ERIC! Damnit! It's bad enough that Roll002 has the same name as me, and is also an artist.. But now this! I can proudly say, I'm neither a druggy or a whore.
And finally, Kerra...the blonde chick. Need we say more? At least she was SOMEWHAT smart.
Well, Sai is in search of a new muse to make her art GODLY! And when a German comes to her and offers a drug to help her find her muse, she accepts.
She takes the drug, and she ends up with a 'Hell' like world filled with dead trees....and VAMPIRES!
But really, the vampire looks like crap...until he shape shifts. The vampire turns into Sai's greatest desire....which is of course, Royce. As the two enjoy intense vampire sex!
Chaos ensues as Sai shares the drugs with her fellow artists.
That's basically the synopsis of the movie. Now, we'll each give our personal review on certain subjects. Let's start off with Nova.
The sex scenes.....how abundant are they? About twenty sex scenes, and hardly any of them are really appealing. And this is coming from a succubus!
What happened to vampires being 'scary'? The last movie that had vampires that was REMOTELY scary was '30 Days of Night', and that didn't even have sex! ......It should have....
Why are vampires the quintessence of sexual desire? Isn't that my job? Why has vampires and sex become so redundant! Blood isn't sexy...flesh is!
Thankfully, we didn't see anyone's 'whispering eye' or 'family jewels'.
What happened to vampires being 'scary'? The last movie that had vampires that was REMOTELY scary was '30 Days of Night', and that didn't even have sex! ......It should have....
Why are vampires the quintessence of sexual desire? Isn't that my job? Why has vampires and sex become so redundant! Blood isn't sexy...flesh is!
Thankfully, we didn't see anyone's 'whispering eye' or 'family jewels'.
References! :3
If you're looking for a bad movie to make fun of every five minutes, you've hit the jackpot. If Mystery Science Theater still existed, I'd request this movie to be on it a thousand times. However, Bloodrayne would have to be put on first. Bled doesn't compare to the horror that is Bloodrayne. Love yaz, Billy Zane!
This movie is SO BAD, it does every cliche imaginable. And I typically don't point out cliches!
This movie tries so hard to be artistic, it's just sad. The sex is awkward. The acting is horrid.
I'd rather read a horrible Twilight porn fan-fiction than deal with this movie! Not a slam on Twilight, which is an okay movie.
But is there a good plot?
Hi, I'm the plot.
Are you a good plot?
No.
*nyoro~n*
If you're looking for a bad movie to make fun of every five minutes, you've hit the jackpot. If Mystery Science Theater still existed, I'd request this movie to be on it a thousand times. However, Bloodrayne would have to be put on first. Bled doesn't compare to the horror that is Bloodrayne. Love yaz, Billy Zane!
This movie is SO BAD, it does every cliche imaginable. And I typically don't point out cliches!
This movie tries so hard to be artistic, it's just sad. The sex is awkward. The acting is horrid.
I'd rather read a horrible Twilight porn fan-fiction than deal with this movie! Not a slam on Twilight, which is an okay movie.
But is there a good plot?
Hi, I'm the plot.
Are you a good plot?
No.
*nyoro~n*
Artistic value? What artistic value? Few people might defend this movie for being 'artsy fartsy'. Bullshit.
I'm tired of 'obscure concepts' being placed in movies, and then the movies being called 'artistic'.
The only moral to this movie is 'don't do drugs'. Or as I'd like to take it, there are two morals to this story.
1. "Don't take drugs from a creepy German guy who is practically rubbing himself on you."
2. "The concept of 'reviving your muse' is a terrible excuse to take drugs."
I hate this movie. I rest my case.
I'm tired of 'obscure concepts' being placed in movies, and then the movies being called 'artistic'.
The only moral to this movie is 'don't do drugs'. Or as I'd like to take it, there are two morals to this story.
1. "Don't take drugs from a creepy German guy who is practically rubbing himself on you."
2. "The concept of 'reviving your muse' is a terrible excuse to take drugs."
I hate this movie. I rest my case.
If there was any redeeming factor to this movie.......
The vampires had the cool ability to teleport. That was awesome... One of them aparently had the Force, and used it to 'Darth Vader strangle' two slutty female vampires.
"I find your lack of clothes disturbing..."
Otherwise, the movie is boring as all crap. Even the sex scenes are boring! This doesn't even deserve to be CONSIDERED a horror movie!
Our overall score: 2/10!
At least Twilight actually HAD a decent plot......and SOME good acting.
The vampires had the cool ability to teleport. That was awesome... One of them aparently had the Force, and used it to 'Darth Vader strangle' two slutty female vampires.
"I find your lack of clothes disturbing..."
Otherwise, the movie is boring as all crap. Even the sex scenes are boring! This doesn't even deserve to be CONSIDERED a horror movie!
Our overall score: 2/10!
At least Twilight actually HAD a decent plot......and SOME good acting.